The Only Candy a Man Should Eat
Candy that's juicy, quiet, and rumored to be made from dead horses (even the orange ones)By Chris Jones
Men eat candy because we eat without thinking, but that's not to say we don't think about the candy we eat. Jelly beans? Reaganite. Skittles? See you at the parade. But jujubes — jujubes are the perfect combination of adult authority and childish delight. (By the way, adults call them joo-joobs, not joo-joo-bees. You want to fight about it?) People whine about some of them being made from dead horses — not the American, movie-theater brand, but the generic ones in Canada, where I do most of my snacking — but they don't know the jujube eater's darkest secret: By consuming dead horses we're taking their power and virility and making it our own. Eating jujubes is like eating powdered rhino horn or seal penis without any of the messy sociopolitical ramifications or bureaucratic hassle. Look! It's just candy! But the truth is, it's a stealthy, dangerous candy — a candy with a challenging, knowing texture; a candy that interrupts its fruity buffet with the occasional bracing blast of licorice; a candy that can be eaten in pin-drop quiet, no crunch, no rustle, and thus without recrimination from wives or healthniks. No, you feckless alfalfa heathens, we'll hide away in our dimmest corners, in our man-dens and basements, and we'll eat our jujubes — our joo-joobs — in determined silence, growing ever stronger, until one day we will rise with the thunder of a thousand of those same dead horses, our bellies hard-packed with their souls and gelatin and our teeth stained by their blood, and we will trample your pesticide-free fields, an army of raging stallions once again.
Orange ones are my favorite.
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