Mrs. Astor Regrets

Seated between two bores at a dinner party? Getting an earful of office gossip? With all due humility, a lady of impeccable manners—please call her Mrs. Astor—suggests some rules to put the "polite" back into polite society.

by Brooke Astor June 1999

Astor, Brooke. "Mrs. Astor Regrets." Vanity Fair June 1999. 10 Mar. 2009 .

If this were the Utopian world that as a child I supposed it was, I would not be having a word on manners. Manners, I was told, are instinctive—they come from a good heart and a desire to reach out to one's fellow man. No one should have to be taught to be nice to people. I am not assuming the role of a Master of Etiquette. I have met peasants in Italy, plantation workers in Jamaica, dirt farmers in our own West, who were born with a natural courtesy, so it is

humbly that I write this small monograph, hoping that it will be helpful, even though here and there I cannot resist indulging in a bit of humor.

Behavior at a Dinner

When you are invited out to dinner, you are asked because your host or hostess likes you and thinks that you will add to the evening. You may be asked because you ar

e a very important person—a politician, a novelist, newly rich, a media tycoon, a beautiful woman, or a famous wit. Whoever you are, and no matter how important your host thinks you are or how important you think you are, there is still only one reason to be there: you are supposed to add to the evening.

You may have had a frightful fight with your spouse before you left, or your best beau may have let you down—too busy to lunch with you tomorrow—or your children may have been rude, or your dog may have bitten you. Forget these disasters; they are part of life. Nothing is mea

nt to be too easy. You must take these incidents in stride—tonight you are dining with friends.

It is in the worst possible taste to be a sullen guest at a party—even if you are seated between two bores, or between people you have never been able to talk to. The host or hostess does not know your problems, nor were you intentionally put between two bores. Unless possibly you did that to them and they are taking their revenge. If this is the case, they won't get it if you appear to be having a good time. If your placement is bad unknowingly, then you are simply doing what is expected of you.

My advice is, if you cannot add to the evening, you should stay home and listen to the news. Perhaps you will be cheered up by listening to news about victims of rape, mu

rder, aids, and economic disaster. The news is always useful. You can congratulate yourself that you are safely in bed.

Introducing People

It is difficult in our society today, when meeting new people, to know ju

st who they are. When I was young, when you were introduced to someone, you were called by your last name: "Miss Smith, this is Mr. Jones." Today, it is simply, "George, this is Jane." I find myself being introduced to young people, young enough to be my grandchildren, as "Brooke." There is no difference between being 18 or 80! I have grown accustomed to this, but there is no civility to it. We might as well all be called "Fido." Far worse is to be introduced by first name to someone whom you have avoided for years, or to someone you have heard all about and don't particularly want to know. Instantly, these people have the same relationship t

o you as an old and valued friend. The pleasure of being able to say to someone you like, "Please don't call me Mrs. Smith anymore, call me Mary," has vanished, along with the real feeling of warmth and fellowship that lent meaning to such a gesture.

As I have said, we are all Fidos now, so why not wear dog collars with our names engraved on them? We might have licenses too.

How Men Have Changed

Thirty years ago, men still wore hats, which were, in a way, a symb

ol of deference to women. When a man saw a woman he knew in the street, he raised his hat and smiled, even if he was with someone else. If he had been by himself and joined the woman, he would keep his hat off while with her and would put it back on only if she said, "Do put your hat on. It's frightfully cold," or, if it was hot, "The sun is so hot." A man always took his hat off in an elevator if a woman was in it, and that was de rigueur, regardless of the class, creed, or color of the lady.

In going in to a formal dinner, a man was given the name of the lady he was to sit next to, so he could seek her out when dinner was announced and offer her his ar

m. When they arrived at table, it was his assignment to pull out her chair and see that she was seated comfortably. Why then do we now have an endless cocktail hour—and I really mean an hour, in some houses an hour and a half? The reason is that the men during that hour talk business—they make deals and catch up on the market or the latest political gaffe—and pay no attention to the women.

I attribute these changes entirely to women. They are competing in the business world, and most of them think that they are smarter than the men they work with. The men, even if they appear to like the women, resent this. If a woman is holding forth at the office and giving her advice forcefully, whether it is taken or not, why then should men tip their hats to her in the street?

If a woman wants style in an office, she should dress simply and as well as she can afford. If she has an important position, she should be nice to everyone working in the same office, including the younger women secretaries. She should have lunch with them occasionally, and once a year have a little women's "office party" in her apartment. If she becomes private secretary to the boss, she must never forget where she started. If she becomes a vice president, she should be even nicer.

Office gossip can be as irritating and boring as social gossip, and the easiest way to avoid it is to smile at everyone and make everyone feel that you were once a secretary yourself. As for the boss, if he looks twice at a pretty girl, he will be accused of sexua

l harassment, so he must watch his step very carefully. The poor fellow: when his secretary steps into his office, he usually keeps the door open and his voice down. It is safer.

Walking on a Street

There is nothing that humans can do in which they can totally ignore manners. Take walking down the street. You should choose one path and stick to it. Don't wa

nder all over the sidewalk, walking slowly one moment and rushing the next. Don't walk with the pointed end of an umbrella sticking out from under your arm, which could easily put out the eye of a child, or rip off a piece of a lady's dress. Confine your jogging to a park. Don't loiter on the street corner after the light has turned green—thereby becoming an obstacle for those in a hurry. If you wear a huge knapsack on your back, keep away from the shopwindows. You are obstructing the view of others and risking breaking a window.

If you see a person with a white stick, it means that they are either blind or nearly blind. Stop and help them cross the street. Smile at a young mother pushing a baby carriage. Give some money to a beggar. Stop and talk to an old person in a wheelchair. These small courtesies will give you an upbeat feeling which will help you as you continue your walk down the street.

A Note On The Article

I haven't ever really read Vanity Fair, to be honest. I'll search through their photos to see if there are any that I would like to use in making graphics, but I rarely read the articles, save for those I happen across and can't help but read, like the one on Johnny Depp where they are featuring him in dapper costuming and elegant state rooms. I think I would like to start going through the late Mrs. Astor's writings. They make plenty of sense, I think, and having grown up under the watchful eye of my own grandmother, who made sure I knew the difference between a dinner and a salad fork and how to serve tea as a junior companion to a group of elder ladies, I find myself wondering why children aren't taught such things in our days. I don't know anyone my age who wasn't taught basic manners as a child, of course. However, there is that extra step that bestows the more classically refined social graces that my generation seems to be lacking.

I have friends from all over the world, though most of them are from the states. I have one who is from Arizona, and has not too long ago moved to the very city I am from. I know that are sort of supposed to be second nature everywhere, but if there is one thing the South is known for, it is the hospitality. This one friend found it decisively quaint and yet not the littlest bit odd that complete strangers held doors open for her if she was entering a building in their wake. I personally am used to this, and even find it odd and rather offensive when someone fails to do such a simple but polite act. Even so, it would seem to me that someone, not just a man, but women as well, should let the person behind them enter the building first, unless of course a man were following a woman.

It makes me sad to see that these higher graces are rather lost on today's young people, and even the baby boomers of yesteryear. Of course one can argue that it is woman's fault, as Mrs. Astor does, and I agree. Women spent so much time and energy trying do prove that they could handle the exact same things as a man that they didn't really stop to think about what that might change about how men treated them on a daily basis. If they did think about it, they must have seriously underestimated the fall out. We traded out the deference relayed to us by the gentleman population for a somewhat easier go at the workplace, yet we remain with the same expectations to take care of our offspring and the household work. I would be lying if I said I thought that whatever steps we have gained for equality between the sexes should discount the deference we used to be able to demand. I think, though, that at the same time, it seems that women with such severity in the workplace are served this little peg rightly. Nobody said that we had to take the workplace by buffing ourselves up to be 'just like men'. We aren't just like men, and for a good many reasons, and I don't think it is too much to ask that women gain their equality decently and stop trying to act like they can handle everything in very much the same way as a man would. We are different from men, and they are different from us, and we need to stop acting like this is a bad thing.

Sorry for the little tirade, but it is quite true, at least in my opinion.